I know I've been gone a long time. There's been alot going on. Needless to say that means that my diet was screwy, but I'm back and that means so are the rules. Janary 31, although slightly scary was also somehow uplifting. I binged accidently and purged becuase i felt sick and was sure that i wouldn't be able to dance before heading off to dance practice...
January 31, 2010
“I want to see the three groups together.”
The music played and we do the three steps before the stunts. Then I stand behind R and he crouches down so I can stand on his thighs. He lifts me, grabbing my armpits and we spin, my legs in the splits, arms in a T. As we do I realize the other two couples in our group aren’t in the air. He flips me back over. We have to repeat it again as our drill sargent says “with stunts” - I thought we were doing that the first time. Then the dismount has to be two different counts so we have to do it again. Afterward, she declares it “good” and watches the other two.
In front of us, J stands awkwardly-not something he does often- without a partner as the others do their stunts, before spying me and calling my name. “ Can I borrow you for a sec?” When I ask what for, although it should be obvious – not my fault I can’t think straight with the room spinning so – he says the stunt. It’s much easier with J, and I feel terrible stating it. R is at least half a foot taller then him and less muscle. I step easily onto his thigh because he isn’t still bending down while I’m climbing onto him. With my feet on his thighs he tosses me, it’s no effort for me then. We spin effortlessly and he flips me over. But there isn’t a drop period between me and the floor, and my eyes are rolling around in my head.
“Oh God.” I murmured as I grasp his arm trying to see straight.
“Did I not catch you or something?” I hear him ask, but I can’t answer, can’t think to answer. "Sorry, I thought i caught you." Somehow, I think I mumble something about being okay. And he lets me clutch him as I steady myself, I think his hand was on the middle of my back, I can’t really recall. I also believe that he saw my eyes going in circles, he didn’t mention it. But his worried expression says enough.
Fifteen minutes before six R informed me that he has to go, something about playing the drums and church. He relays the information to Nick and Nick convinces him to run the dance one more time. We do so and then he told our dane instructer he had to leave.
When J sees I too an partner-less. “Did R leave?” I tell myself I’m imagining the happiness in his voice. “You want to be my partner?” I also try to ignore the fact that Dani hasn’t had a partner the entire time, maybe he didn’t see her. She does stand behind him in the formation. We do the dance once more and I tell myself that I can’t find him in the lineup later. It was just the stunt we were partners for.
As we walk out I glance at J, I know exactly what I want to say to him, think the words in my head, but am not sure if I have the courage. Grabbing my bag, I glance at him again, I wait for the rest of the girls to catch up to me so it doesn’t look as though I’m chasing after him, but he’s stalling too. So as Ash pulls up on one side and Jessica behind me, I take a chance.
“J,” I called, “you should be good. Mariah is at least 20 lbs lighter then me.” He’s smiling at the comment and is about to reply but Ash, God I love her, jumps in.
“Yeah, right you’re like what 94 pounds.” J smiles even wider at this.
“That’s why it was so much easier,” he teased, his back to the door as he pushed it open. “Mariah is like 96.” That makes me smile. And it raised my hopes.
...So, terrified I'd faint on the gym floor when we danced, which was today, I ate more regularly. Pushed to have a sit down dinner by my mother who, after my little sister had her fake anerexia period has watched us more closely, we had mash potatoes, meat balls(and i had been staying away from meat) and corn. Once again i was goign to dance i haven't been able to digest things like meat and cheese well recently so i again purged.
Now however starts my hopeful New Years resolution. I'm eating a salad and green tea and afterward i'll workout with the rarly used Turbo Jam. If i decide to be on the dance team again I want to be able to look good in the skimpy tops that have already been picked out. Coming up more quickly though is prom and if i end up going then i want to look good in my dress, not the fat, flat-chested (unfortunatly one can be both at once) girl.
Srry again for the long wait, I'll do better if i can stay with my working out and eating right.
Love,
Ana's not so faithful Angel
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