Do it for you

Hello beautiful people!
I'm starting a juice fast and anyone who wants to join me is welcome to! I could really use the motivation and I'd be happy to be motivating for others as well. This last year has been hell and i won't give you all the gory details but the important thing is everything is better and seems to be falling into place.
I'm living in an apartment with 3 other girls so i don't have to worry about a meal plan or someone else watching what I'm eating. We all have such different schedules that makes it impossible to keep track of each other.

If any of you just want to talk message me!

Forgive Me For Being Gone Soooo Long

Holy shit I miss all you! I know there were never very many to begin with but god its been over a year! Knowing that i CAN pour my heart out is sooo ... empowering? maybe, but either way i just need a way to get all my true self out there not this .... this fat girl that everyone around me knows. Idk where i went wrong. The selfdoubt and terrible self confidence just eats away at me and I eat to feel better. Why? ugh. I just have to tell myself that i can get rid of both the doubt and bad image of myself once I'm perfect. sigh.

I had a complete meltdown I admit. And I'm trying to do better. Telling myself I'll do better. I can be better. but i never pull through. Why don't i have the control? It's less then a month till college and i need this boost in confidence. I want to be the girl boys like and the girls wanna be. I don't want to end up with someone like M again... oh god and the fact that i did end up with him just proves to me that i need to be better.

It was around New Years. and my friend, had a terrible idea of setting me up about the same time that 2 boys from school asked me out. And it excited me and terrified me all at once. So one date i gradually let down as in continuing to put it off. and then i met this boy that my friend set me up with and he was so unattractive and creepy that i made an excuse to get out of there. then the last date, M, came along and he wanted to take me to a movie. and low and behold he didn't really want to watch the movie at all he just wanted to make out and feel me up!!! so that's how my first kiss went which was horrible and he had no idea, but when i felt his had sliding from my hip, up my stomach and across my ribs I drew the line. grabbing his hand in a death grip the rest of the moive without even realizing it just so he wouldn't try it again. at one point during the movie he literally had to stretch his hand out because it was going on and i was too scared he was going to try something in the car afterwards that i couldn't even come up with something witty to deter the awkwardness like "guess i dont know my own strength". lol.

So that was my first date and my last date since. And girls i need help! How do i stay on track with my diet in college? any ideas? and advice for dealing with boys wouldn't be too bad either!

I LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU ALL
Hope you're doing better then me

Stay Skinny!!!

Tormenting, Tantalizing, & Teasing in Ten

It's been rough the last month but I'm finally back. Prom is in ten days and after R asked me to go with him on a very short notice I've been working out like crazy it seems. Obviously I haven't been dedicated though. I told myself I'd Turbo Jam everyday and I'll do really good for three days and then be around friends that nag me when i don't want anything. We i think you can guess the not so happy ending to that story.

So I'm starting fresh. I'm getting my hair dyed and thinking about a cut, but after i showed my mother the haircut i want(shown to the left) and she didn't have anything good to say about it I began wondering if it was worth it. Here's the thing I was going to cut it for her becuase she's been nagging me to get rid of my bad ends and she went on for hours about how good short hair will go on me but now i'm doubting it again. The picutre is actualy what i wanted for prom. I was going to cut my hair longer and then curl it like that for prom-so it wasn't super short- but still get those bangs. I'll still dye my hair becuas me roots look god aweful and may even get those bangs.

I'm going in a big group and we're going to an italian steakhouse. Thankfully steak won't be a temptation since even before i didn't like meat. I'm probably going to get a salad and water. R might be paying for it anyway and this place is suppose to expensive so that should take away any further temptation.

I have a slender dress, not a poofy one, but still have to find some shoes. I know it's really late for that shit but i thought i found some and they didn't match the color so we have to return them.

I have no idea what to do to my hair so if there are any suggestions then go ahead and send me a comment, a picture would help too. My hair's two/three inches below my shoulders and thin so it doesn't make much of a chigon (is that how you spell it I'm too lazy to check) one of those buns that are full of curls. That was what i was planning on doing and then i found that it didn't work or at least it didn't work when i did it. That was another reason i was planning on cutting it. If it's that short i'd just curl it and be done, it wouldn't bug me being down.

Sorry 4 the Hiatus

I know I've been gone a long time. There's been alot going on. Needless to say that means that my diet was screwy, but I'm back and that means so are the rules. Janary 31, although slightly scary was also somehow uplifting. I binged accidently and purged becuase i felt sick and was sure that i wouldn't be able to dance before heading off to dance practice...

January 31, 2010

“I want to see the three groups together.”

The music played and we do the three steps before the stunts. Then I stand behind R and he crouches down so I can stand on his thighs. He lifts me, grabbing my armpits and we spin, my legs in the splits, arms in a T. As we do I realize the other two couples in our group aren’t in the air. He flips me back over. We have to repeat it again as our drill sargent says “with stunts” - I thought we were doing that the first time. Then the dismount has to be two different counts so we have to do it again. Afterward, she declares it “good” and watches the other two.

In front of us, J stands awkwardly-not something he does often- without a partner as the others do their stunts, before spying me and calling my name. “ Can I borrow you for a sec?” When I ask what for, although it should be obvious – not my fault I can’t think straight with the room spinning so – he says the stunt. It’s much easier with J, and I feel terrible stating it. R is at least half a foot taller then him and less muscle. I step easily onto his thigh because he isn’t still bending down while I’m climbing onto him. With my feet on his thighs he tosses me, it’s no effort for me then. We spin effortlessly and he flips me over. But there isn’t a drop period between me and the floor, and my eyes are rolling around in my head.

“Oh God.” I murmured as I grasp his arm trying to see straight.

“Did I not catch you or something?” I hear him ask, but I can’t answer, can’t think to answer. "Sorry, I thought i caught you." Somehow, I think I mumble something about being okay. And he lets me clutch him as I steady myself, I think his hand was on the middle of my back, I can’t really recall. I also believe that he saw my eyes going in circles, he didn’t mention it. But his worried expression says enough.

Fifteen minutes before six R informed me that he has to go, something about playing the drums and church. He relays the information to Nick and Nick convinces him to run the dance one more time. We do so and then he told our dane instructer he had to leave.

When J sees I too an partner-less. “Did R leave?” I tell myself I’m imagining the happiness in his voice. “You want to be my partner?” I also try to ignore the fact that Dani hasn’t had a partner the entire time, maybe he didn’t see her. She does stand behind him in the formation. We do the dance once more and I tell myself that I can’t find him in the lineup later. It was just the stunt we were partners for.

As we walk out I glance at J, I know exactly what I want to say to him, think the words in my head, but am not sure if I have the courage. Grabbing my bag, I glance at him again, I wait for the rest of the girls to catch up to me so it doesn’t look as though I’m chasing after him, but he’s stalling too. So as Ash pulls up on one side and Jessica behind me, I take a chance.

“J,” I called, “you should be good. Mariah is at least 20 lbs lighter then me.” He’s smiling at the comment and is about to reply but Ash, God I love her, jumps in.

“Yeah, right you’re like what 94 pounds.” J smiles even wider at this.

“That’s why it was so much easier,” he teased, his back to the door as he pushed it open. “Mariah is like 96.” That makes me smile. And it raised my hopes.

...So, terrified I'd faint on the gym floor when we danced, which was today, I ate more regularly. Pushed to have a sit down dinner by my mother who, after my little sister had her fake anerexia period has watched us more closely, we had mash potatoes, meat balls(and i had been staying away from meat) and corn. Once again i was goign to dance i haven't been able to digest things like meat and cheese well recently so i again purged.

Now however starts my hopeful New Years resolution. I'm eating a salad and green tea and afterward i'll workout with the rarly used Turbo Jam. If i decide to be on the dance team again I want to be able to look good in the skimpy tops that have already been picked out. Coming up more quickly though is prom and if i end up going then i want to look good in my dress, not the fat, flat-chested (unfortunatly one can be both at once) girl.


Srry again for the long wait, I'll do better if i can stay with my working out and eating right.



Love,

Ana's not so faithful Angel

I'm back sorry for the absence

Dear beautiful people,

I AM SO SORRY!

I've been gone such a long time I don’t know why I gave up blogging. No matter if I was eating or not I just didn’t seem to have the energy but it’s so helpful and it wastes time.

But I will continue it now. I guess I also felt like I was letting you guys down with my inconsistency. I was all over the place. And I was never happy no matter what the situation. But I’m going to be a determined person to get what I want starting now with no candy for All Hallows Eve.

I’m not completely to blame though my computer hasn’t been cooperating at all. It continued to shut off all the time (when I was in the middle of homework was the worst) and then it crashed and my dad wouldn’t fix it for the longest time.

I am so sorry guys! I ask for a retry this weekend.

I have five days, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday. I believe that will get me enough time to get back into the swing of things. I will save any and all low cal food items I can for Tuesday with drill team. But since I have decided I won’t go to Haley’s party unless Sarah isn’t or at least I know what her costume will be. Then I should have no temptation right? Well, wrong, but a girl can hope. I also won’t be going on the Fall Retreat with Jessica which I am okay with(it’s overnight). I will remember my list for goals and rewards, read, watch movies, and not eat candy this Halloween. I’m for sure going to grown my hair out, I want to be beautiful, I want to want to be in pictures because I can do what all the girls in my inspiration do. I think I understand the low food issue instead of no food. That’s what’s been holding me back. I wanted it bad so I didn't eat for a couple of days but my body didn't adjust that quickly so I, of course, binge. Then I purged and in the haze I binge again and refuse to repeat again so I fell victum to the calories. So I’m back at square one. Thankfully I not only can't loose weight I can't gain either so although it's flunctuated becuase of the inconsistene diet I'm still at where I started I also have a nice exercise I’m going to do this weekend. ALOT.

My older sister has convinced me it’s not just about not eating. It’s about putting the right foods into your body along with the right amount of physical exercise. With those two things in mind along with what I get once I get down to my goal weights I should be good.

Now that I have the foods I need and PE is over it will be much easier. My dad bought a huge thing of pickles 5 calories each, a large box of green tea, lettece, and lots and lots of water is going to get me through this weekend. Wish me luck!

Wow that was long I guess I'll need to do this more often to have shorter entrys. *winks*

Tis' me again.

Today was both uplifting and discouraging and tomorrow is going to be nerve-wracking and exciting. Today after school my mom and me went shopping or at least looking. I love her when I don't have the three other sisters (yes 3) nagging at her. When it's just us everything is so much easier. Anyhow, I would try things on and she told me she liked all of them so it's hopefully improvement, yet I hate lying to her, when she's like that.

Tomorrow the dance team is all sleeping over at Jess's house before the performance the next day at a pep assembly and finally the homecoming game! Like I said I'm looking forward to it, but it's also going to be terrifying since I've never danced at a pep assembly. As if that's not enough I won't only have to make an excuse for not eating at lunch, there's going to be dinner to worry about on top of that. What am I going to do?

If anyone has a suggestion on discretion plez help!

Hey Everybody!

I've been searching for thispiration through blogs for awhile now and after one girl suggested making my own to occupy my time of fasting, I decided to give it a try. So here it goes...

I'm ask for support in my ana lifestyle, I am a social person who needs someone to talk to, and since we all know how friends and family can be I sure couldn't talk to any of them. So I'm hoping, very soon, I will have people here that I can converse with. I will also give support and can listen to anything you beautiful people have to say. I wanted a place where I could freely discuss anything on my mind without being jugded by those people who won't accept me for who I am, the thinspiration, and of course to make some amazing friends!

I've never done anything like this before so please no flames. I will give this my best effort but I'm sure it's going to be a little rough at the begining.